Limited Attraction

Dear Bette,
 
I had known this guy for about 7 months before I decided to show I was interested and to my surprise and relief he caught the bait. Before I knew it I was seeing him most days and he was making the plans even weeks in advance so I had to do little pursuing. He also shows great amounts of affection (kisses, holding hands in public, etc) and there is no question that he is interested. We truly enjoy each other's company so it creates a level of comfort both of us appreciate deeply as the last time we've had real but painful relationships were 2 yrs ago for me, 3 for him (I'm 24, he's 27).
 
However, while he thinks I'm the entire package he isn't too sure if he wants to get into a committed relationship and from the start I've let him know there is no pressure and to just let it flow. The real problem is he isn't sure if he is sexually attracted to me because he doesn't think about sex with me. Times before he has told me I have a great body and constantly flirts, pulls at me, teases me, talks and acts in ways to show there is still some form of attraction and sexual nature between us. I'm confident in my ability to turn on the opposite sex and keep things interesting but I didn't want to come on too strongly since it was both of our decisions to wait for various reasons.
 
That's why it hasn't affected me before, plus I thought maybe it was due to his past which includes hurts and disappointments but in addition to those, the only time he has had sex has been during single encounters, not in relationships. I felt that it was either he had begun associating sex with flings or he was afraid things would change and he'd get hurt again... but it did hurt lastnight when he stated that he would want a relationship with someone he wants to have sex with (understandably) so he doesn't know if this is enough. After that I'm not sure what to think as I've never been in this position before and while it's possible he isnt attracted to me, he does not act the part.
 
While I believe life is a risk and everything happens for a reason, I've come to genuinely care for him and I'm afraid of getting hurt. I don't plan to pressure him in any way but I would appreciate your opinion(s) on this situation and any advice you can give.
 
 
Confused

 

Dear Confused,

 

I am also confused.  You stated that he hasn't had a sexual relationship with anyone but 'flings' yet he plays the flirt with you pretty well although he has said he's not sexually attracted to you.  Ouch!  Unless he realizes what sex is supposed to be, nothing will change for him:  he won't be able to let anyone (you) get close enough to take that risk and know what a real relationship should be.  If he insists he feels as you wrote, it's time to move on - for both of you.  I get that you care for him, however the longer you limit yourself to him alone, the better the chances for being hurt down the line.  You should have someone in your life that wants it all with you, unfortunately it does not appear to be him. 

 

Bette 

Guidance Needed

Dear Bette,

 

I'm in a serious rut.  A few months ago, my job as a graphic artist was eliminated due to budget cuts, and I joined the ever-growing unemployed of America.  Jobs in my field right now are few and far between, so to make ends meet, I recently took a job in client services for a tax preparation company.  However, I hate this job.  Yes, I hate it more than I could possibly describe.

My problem is that anytime I tell someone how miserable I am at work, they scoff in my direction and tell me to quit complaining.  My family, friends, even my fiancee keep telling me to quit complaining and be happy that I have a job.  I try, but I still feel depressed that I'm stuck in a job that I hate.  I'm pulling in decent money and can pay my bills, but the job depresses me.

When I was working as a graphic artist, I didn't make much money, but I honestly considered it my dream job, and I was happier than I'd ever been.  I'm not quitting the client services job (at least not until something better comes along), but everyday I feel like I'm falling into a deeper pit of depression.  And it makes me feel even worse that there's no one I can talk to about this!  Everyone thinks I'm being ungrateful and immature, they tell me to be happy that I can pay my bills and just get over it.

I really need help here.  What can I do to feel better about my situation?

~Needing a guiding hand 

 

Dear Needing a hand,

 

I am in a job I LOVE.  It does have stress and there are times I wish I didn't have to work, but I love it just the same.  I quit corporate america and now am an assistant manager in a convienence (sp) store.  I don't make near what I used to and paying the bills gets tough at times, but I wouldn't change a thing.
 
To help you, you need to remember that your current employment is only TEMPORARY.  You get to quit the job you hate when you find one you know you'll be happy in -- something to work for and look forward to.  When you have to go in to your current job, walk through the door telling yourself that at the end of the day, it's one day closer to the job that'll make you happy again.
 
Good luck,
 
Bette

Hold On Or Let Go

 Bette,
I'm desperate. I am going through so much heart break right now it's unbearable. I was with this guy for 2 and a half years. While we've lived about two hours from each other, we had a relatively strong relationship. I was his first, and I love him unconditionally. Unfortunately, I go through states of depression, and for the past couple of months I kept breaking up with him, but we always got back together. I wasn't the best girlfriend in the world, and I took him for granted. He was and still is the man of my dreams. He is the only person I see myself marrying and having children with. We had our lives planned out, and one day I left him. I don't know why, but it was only supposed to be a break. He tried to get me back twice. After the second time, an ex-friend called him and told him I was cheating on him and had been for months. I don't know why she told him that, but he didn't speak to me for a week, and now he has a new girlfriend and I think he is
 in love with her. They got together 2 weeks after we split up. I want him back so badly. I went to him to try to get him back, but he really likes this girl. I don't know if she's just a rebound, and if this is just his infatuation. He was never one to show emotions, and when I came crying to him, telling him what a dumb idiot I was, he held me and told me I would be okay, but he didn't take me back. He stayed faithful to me for 2 and half years, but he didn't stay faithful to her. That night we slept together, as well as the next day. I went back home to work and drove to see him the next night. He told his new girlfriend I was coming into town to see him (he hadn't told her about the previous night) and I waited all night for him to get home, but he never did. He stayed the night with her. She called me the next day to apologize. He told her we were just good friends, but he proceeded to have sex with me again the next day, even though he made me
 promise I wouldn't. He kisses me and holds me, like nothing has changed.

I am trying to concentrate on me, and do things to make me feel good. Like concentrate on college, quit smoking, lose weight ETC. I am doing it for me, but in the back of my mind I can't help but hope this helps win him back.

I asked him not to call me for a few days so I could heal a little bit, but he calls me all day, when she's not around, but disappears at night when he's with her. We text a lot too. I told him I love him, and he didn't always say it back even when we were together, and he didn't this time. He did say it when we said our goodbyes to come back home.

Bette, I am still in love with him and I am CERTAIN we are soul mates. But I don't know how much longer I can stand knowing he cares about someone else, that he spends his nights with someone else.

Should I keep my hopes up, or let him go? It's so difficult. I know heart breaks go away but I never felt this way. Never EVER have I been so hurt after a break up. Should I give him time to heal and love someone else? When we went on our 'break' I told him I wanted him to experience other girls, since I was his one and only.

What do I do? I'm lost and everyone tells me something else. Do I keep loving him, or do I cut him off and try to heal? I love him so much, I don't think I can ever stop.

 

Dear Desperate,

 

Feelings don't change over night, but if you continue to obsess, you will never be able to move on.  You are on the right track thinking that you need to work on yourself -- when you can look in the mirror and love who's looking back, your whole life will begin to run the way you always wanted it to.
 
Forget the guy; convince yourself that it is over and work on you.  Only later after you reach the point that you don't NEED someone else will you be any good for anyone else.

 

Bette

Cares Too Much

Dear Bette,

My relationship ended almost 4 months ago. The cause was her cheating, lying and deceiving me for a long period of time. I had no idea and it all came as a shock to me. Through all the pain that she has put me through, I have really tried to be her friend and understand why she hurt me so bad? She has told me that she did all the things she did and didn't tell me because she didn't want to hurt me and still wanted me to be in her life. After everything, I recognize that she has some serious unresolved emotional and mental issues. I feel she really is a good person underneath it all but just has some issues that she needs to resolve inside of herself. However, it has taken me almost 4 months for most of the feelings i had for her to go away. I mean some of it is still there despite all the things she did. I mean, I really loved her and that doesn't go away overnight for me. But even now it has been me trying to keep contact with her and keep a "friendship" alive. She told me that she wanted this. She told me that she wanted me in her life. But as each day passes, I'm starting to really see what she did to me. I guess love was blinding me.

 It's really tough for me because she is really important to me. I no longer love her like I did, or do i want to be with her. But she does little to show that she really wants to be my friend and at times i feel like this is all a waste. At times i feel like a sucker for even caring now about her, and obviously because of what she did, I have no idea if she really cares about me. To make matters even worse, she is currently seeing the guy that she cheated on me with. Will i really ever be able to be friends with her if she is with him? It's a constant reminder of the pain i went through and what she did to me. Should I continue to try and be her friend and keep in contact with her? Or is it time for me just to say, "to hell with it" and never speak to her again? This is tough for me to do because once i shut someone out of my life, there is no going back. But i also understand that she is still trying to resolve some of the issues within herself that allowed her to do such a terrible thing in the first place. I feel like maybe i care too much. I feel like maybe I'm trying to find something positive in all this. I feel like maybe I'm doing this just so that I don't feel like I wasted over a year with her. I don't know. Maybe I just care too much.

Thank you

-Cares too much

 

Dear Cares Too Much

 

I agree with what you said that she probably still has things she need to work through, and although she doesn't show it often or in ways that you may like, she does still need the friend she had in you before.  You don't have to love her at all anymore to still care for and about her.  It is a sticky situation that she is with the guy she cheated on while with you, I do give you that!  However, if you do actually still care for her you'll want to be friends regardless of who she is with. 

 

Bette

More Than Just Friendship

Dear Bette,
 I've been best friends with a guy almost a year now, and i feel like our friendship has gotten closer than ever. He is always on my mind and always has been for a whole year. I told him how much I liked him but how i didn't want that to effect our friendship if he didn't feel the same way, and it has not. Me and him use to go to school together but this year he had to switch schools, we don't see each other everyday but we hang out on some weekends so he told me he loves me but he doesn't our relationship to mean nothing sense were so young. Im still best friends with him and now he has a girlfriend. My friend says for me to stay friends with him for a year or two  and see how things go because things would probably mean alot more then. I feel like either way in this situation im going to get hurt. What should i do?
Sincerly,
P95

 

Dear P95,

 

Because you are young, I would most definately take your other friends advice.  Give it time, if your male friend does love you in any way, he may find that though dating someone else you are who he knows he should be with.  It happens this way some times.  I realize that you on the other hand have felt strongly for him for some time already and probably don't want to have to wait a year or so for him to discover how he feels about you, but real love has no time contraints.  I suggest you go out with other boys to make sure you really do want to be with this other one.  Who knows, your dating others might be what snaps him into what you really mean to him.  Great friends can be hard to find and I hope you and this boy find a way to keep it.

Bette